longing, bitterness & innocence
on longing too much, growing bitter and weakness
I wish everyone a brighter, more fulfilling 2025.
May we all reach for the stars with a sense of peace and a playful mischief that banishes any doubt or fear that tries to creep in.
I’m probably going to remove some paywalls because I don’t feel comfortable putting everything behind one.
Moving forward, I’ll be using BuyMeACoffee as a way for you to support this newsletter. This allows me to stay independent of subscription models and keeps things fun and light-hearted. After all, who doesn’t love a good latte?
❤️
Longing
I’m in awe of so many things that have been guided to me.
I recognize these parts of myself so deeply that when I see them reflected in others I try to cut short their pain and longing for something or someone bigger than themselves.
There is no longing, only the present.
Many of us long for the "now," only to realize it’s already here. It can take time to fully grasp this, as pain and unresolved experiences often cloud the perception of the present moment.
No one is meant to lose sight of who they are or of reality as a lived experience, yet it happens to so many. Chances are you’ve felt this too.
The only way I’ve found to forgive myself and those who profited from my lack of protection is to now fiercely protect what must be protected.
I struggle to define whether what I’m protecting is something human or something higher.
All I know is that it’s the only truth I want to live for.
Someone is always going to talk about you
When people speak about me, they’re often divided: some are deeply triggered by my presence, while others put me on a pedestal.
It’s a strange limbo that’s been reflected back at me for years, and one I’ve struggled to understand.
When you ask me who I am, my answer is simple: I am just me. And I mean it wholeheartedly. I want peace and laughter in my life. Not much more. I protect this desire with all of my being.
Longing, like any other emotion, is a heavy sword.
It carries a strange pleasure and often the best of intentions. Sometimes it’s there only to guide us toward hope.
But longing when indulged too much becomes a guide to the darker places within us. To hells we haven’t yet lit with our own light.
This world is an intelligent place
Emotions move in waves and work together.
Good becomes bad and bad becomes good.
What mountains must shift for this transformation to occur? It’s incredible to be part of something so vast that its definition eludes comprehension. Even this description doesn’t quite fit because no definition ever will.
Growing bitter
I’ve grown bitter toward this world too.
Why continue when there’s so much pain in every moment of the day?
Why allow atrocities to be committed against innocent beings? These questions are bigger than me yet they have haunted me relentlessly for as long as I can remember. They reflect what I experienced in my own small world.
I’ve reached a point where I only cry and feel deep pain for things beyond my control too.
And in those tears I sense the world crying too.
No atrocity goes without its ripple effects. We all feel them. Consciously or not. The weight of untold stories is immense and I feel them pressing on us all.
I remember an aunt who lived and died before I was born. She was fifteen when she died. It’s said that what killed her was the seething anger she carried. She didn’t understand the depths of her emotions or thoughts. Yet, she stood up to a father who beat his children for sport and a mother who neglected them as if turning a blind eye was the easiest thing in the world.
Growing up without a family is humbling too.
My stories come from worlds that many in the West would dismiss as "beneath their own intellect." But the untold stories of immense courage in the face of limitations and beliefs are not only inspiring, they’re heavy to comprehend.
Those who are lucky often fail to realize just how incredibly fortunate they truly are.
Truthfully, if it were only me inside myself, I would have given up long ago. But I’ve come to accept that my feelings are guiding me toward the life I’ve always wanted.
Ignorance
Some people pretend not to notice their environment acting as if everything is fine.
If you’re the one who sees through it, forgive them. Move on.
Your perception will never align with those unwilling to see.
Always be prepared for the storms ahead too.
No one will save or manage your life for you.
Trust
Trust yourself, and in doing so, you’ll find people and situations that require no questioning or mistrust.
There were times when I counted down my days. At 10, I thought I might make it to 16. At 20, I believed I had no more than three years left. Yet somehow, I’m still here, and I’m grateful for the chance to live beyond my own expectations. This isn’t a story meant to evoke empathy. I’ve kept my life hidden from others for most of it and felt content doing so.
But the more I let go of the wrong things and people, the better and more fulfilling my life becomes.
Innocence isn’t weakness
I once knew a guy who seemed kind. I later discovered that he had shared all of our messages in a group chat with people who had nothing better to do than search for “easy girls” during the pandemic.
At the time I didn’t know but I sensed something was off. I shared some things I found on the internet and let’s just say, I was shocked by the degeneracy in my own hometown.
I can only imagine what they’ve done to other girls and the images they exchanged among themselves. He felt so guilty that he blocked me. I would have moved mountains to make him truly understand just how worthless I found his inflated ego. Too bad he blocked me first.
That’s the power of honesty.
Don’t become like these people.
Who cares, really?
I’m sure he’s still hiding from his own pain and wrongdoings to this day.
It was unfair and none of it would have happened if he hadn’t gone so far to pretend to be someone he wasn’t. He knows. And that’s the best outcome.
Let go and you will find your own home inside of you.
And only fight battles you’re truly willing to fight. Many fight for money, but the battles fought for principles are the most meaningful.
Don’t let these things hold you back for too long.
I’m not sure if my experiences have held me back or if it’s just the same stupid things I’ve given meaning to that have turned out to be completely useless.
People often build their own prisons, and that’s on them.
Don’t waste your energy trying to save or help anyone who only wants to drag you into their world of drama and inaction.
Let’s hold each other accountable in my free group chat!
What I want to share with you for 2025
If I could share the lenses I’ve gained through traveling, these are the eight things you’d see:
Career paths are fluid now. Creativity and reinvention are what matter. Titles and money follow. The generations before us lived differently. It’s challenging how fluid everything has become, but there’s power in that.
Hard work alone rarely makes people rich. It’s creativity. Seeing opportunity where others don’t. My first $100 went into Bitcoin in 2017. That small investment grew quickly, giving me the freedom to travel without being bound to anyone. I’m just a girl, and if I was lucky enough to find opportunity, you can too.
Most people are waiting for you to conform so they can criticize you. Let them. Follow your path. Trust the process. If I regret anything, it’s not having pushed further and harder with my unconventional approaches to life.
There is no morality to money. Believe that or don’t. I don’t mean become criminal. I mean become unbound from the lies about how rich people become rich.
Your emotions aren’t betraying you. They’re guiding you. No one succeeds by pretending to be what everyone else is.
You don’t need to “get to” a certain point.
That’s pain distracting you from the present moment. It’s hard, but let yourself be guided by your feelings. Feel the pain but also feel the compassion. No emotion exists in isolation. They come to remind us of who we are and what we’re capable of too.
Social proof, not titles or money, is what builds confidence.
It’s you versus your written word.
Don’t hide behind how you perceive yourself, whether it’s too much or too little. The right people will see you for who you are. And for men: if you’re attracting the wrong women, it’s because your intentions are guiding them into your life. Change that and the dynamic changes too. Don’t complain about attracting “crazy” when you’re chasing the obvious, superficial things too.
I would be nothing without the two or three souls who helped guide me back to myself when I was lost, blind, homeless, and pushed to my mental and physical limits. Please don’t isolate yourself the way I did. There’s always someone who can help if you just let them. And if your life feels like a series of unfortunate events that have kept you silent, like it did for me, know that you will get through this too. You will find your voice again.
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.”
Thank you for reading.
Love,
Jasmin